REVIEW: Tales of Monkey Island: Launch of the Screaming Narwhal

As Telltale Games unleash their second brave revival of a cult LucasArts franchise it's hard not to imagine them ducking for cover behind their desks in anticipation of the uber-fan backlash. If the reception of the new Sam and Max games was anything to go by though, they should be fine. Take the bull by the horns I say, and so they have.


Saying that Monkey Island has a history is something of an understatement, but the ease at which this first episode, Launch of the Screaming Narwhal slips us back into the familiar world of Threepwood and co. is commendable. The instant insertion into a battle with Le Chuck minutes before the credits roll and the familiar sounds of the MI series kick in are stirring to say the least. It's like being held in the arms of your estranged wife years after she ran away to be with that Wookie-faced lover of hers. It doesn't even matter that she's only returned to you because she bled him dry, she's back you fool!

It's not all sweetness and light though. Consistent with Telltale's past projects, the humour in the game can range from well-timed slapsticked to dialogue that just seems as if the writers were trying that little bit too hard to draw a chuckle. There are some great moments though, led by a new addition to Threepwood's physique, and if it's not all laugh-out-loud hilarity it is at least a well-constructed tribute to those games of old.

The puzzles in adventure games are naturally what keep things ticking along and here they're generally well employed. If I were to nit-pick then I'd say that the game does at times tend to scream 'I'M A PUZZLE!' at you when you were already doing perfectly well coming to your own conclusions regarding the dog, the blowtorch and the chocolate eclair. Despite these mild cases of patronisation though the puzzles are nicely thought out, often leading to that ultimate pay-off of striking a solid gold solution with an exuberant 'Ohhhhh... yeah!'.


The game looks crisp and colourful as well, realising the vivid cartoon tones of the series for the first time in full 3D. Wandering about the locales, conversing with characters and inspecting curious objects is half the fun and seeking out little interactions placed amongst such well laid scenes is always a joy. Telltale still haven't made the leap to truly reinventing the genre, but it does mean that the game is accessible to adventure pros and newcomers alike. The former, however, are more likely to be disgruntled with the lack of progression with the format.

Without a doubt there are some things to be improved on with later episodes in this five parter. If the characters evolve enough to become as memorable as those we already associate with the series then it really could become the game that the fans have been waiting ten years for. Most people who play Launch of the Screaming Narwhal are likely to enjoy it a great deal if only for nostalgic value. Others, of course, will refuse to see anything good in it. Personally, I feel that if anyone's up to the task of rejuvenating the Monkey Island brand, it's Telltale.

VERDICT: A fine start to a resurrected classic.

PREVIEW: AaaaaAAaaaAAAaaAAAAaAAAAA!!!

No, my spleen hasn't spontaneously ruptured, nor have I trapped my wang in the bedroom door again. I am, in fact, currently experiencing the thirty level pre-release of the utterly brilliant AaaaaAAaaaAAAaaAAAAaAAAAA!!! -- A Reckless Disregard for Gravity. Catchy, huh?


Dejoban Games, those of The Wonderful End of the World famousness - and if you've never heard of that game, walk this way - have created some kind of pleasure-giving software here that feeds off your adrenaline, combining the addictive qualities of extreme sports and flashing lights to contiually tempt you into having just... one... more... go.

So, each level begins with you on top of a tower or platform of ludicrous, unmeasured height with your main objective being to leap from it and reach the bottom not dead. Sounds easy? No? Well, you'll be happy to hear that a parachute has been provided for elegant, cushiony landings once you reach the bottom. Pay no attention to all the other towers and platformy death-traps on the way down though. They'll only break your body a little bit...

Djeeban's unique brand of infectious insanity has been implemented to great affect in Aaaaa!, marrying the sense of impending vertical doom with some sensational of-the-wall visual styling. It really is rather lovely to look at, but once you're careening downwards towards a sadistically placed points marker it'll probably be the last thing on your mind.


In line with it's arcade playability points are indeed the name of the game, unlocking levels and allowing access to certain abilities that will aid you in your quest to become the awesomest virtual base-jumper yet. Sticking close to walls and narrowly missing obstructions on your way down also boosts the payout at the end of each jump so it's up to you to replay and perfect your descents to really get the most bang for your buck.

Above all else, Aaaaa! will help you realise a kind of precision skill that you never knew existed within that pathetic brain of yours. So, I suggest you put your nerves to the test and jump right in. The game is now available on pre-order for just $15 from the developer's site and, with the thirty levels you'll be allowed access to once you put your money down, you'll find it eating up a sizeable amount of your time prior to Aaaaa!'s imminent release.

REVIEW: Trine

I feel that there's a common attitude held amongst veteran gamers these days that stems from a nostalgic perception of what we were playing ten or twenty years ago. I'll admit I'm guilty of it myself at times. Many of us at one time or another are prone to saying that modern games appear dumbed down, unimaginative, too focused on aesthetics or just plain dull compared to what we may have experienced back in the day. Of course, this sort of uncompromising generalisation can ring true as much it can seem complete codswallop, but nevertheless we're guilty of saying it from time to time.

What I'm leading up to in a rather convoluted fashion is that whilst playing Frozenbyte's recently released co-op platformer, Trine, I had a revelation of sorts. Something about the childlike nature of the game was appealing in such a way that it occurred to me that it's something I wish I'd been able to play when I was younger, being the sort of game with enough creative energy and style to draw you in and really stick in your head for a good while. So much so that I can imagine people in years to come might say: 'Hey, do you remember that game with the wizard and you could move stuff around to solve puzzles? And you could switch characters? Games just don't do things like that anymore...'

So, I'd like to preface this piece with a little advice to those as cynical as me: Remember that computer games exist for our enjoyment and that time can cloud judgements. Games like Trine are here to remind us of that.

Right. Now that the fluffy, over-sensitive babble is out of the way I'll get on with the review proper.


I'll go ahead and predict that one thing which will crop up in many reviews of this game is the word 'charming'. This is because Trine is charming to the core. From the introductory video through to the character design and the vivid variety of the visuals, playing through the game is like being read a fairytale before bedtime. What with the three noble heroes, the classical fantasy setting and a nasty skeleton horde to dismantle as you please, you may as well be rescuing a princess from a tower. Except you're not.

The plot, in fact, revolves around the discovery of a magical artifact called the Trine by three very different people. The Thief - all sarcasm and slyness - is the first to happen across the object, after which comes the womanising Wizard and finally the burly, oafish Knight. As their hands each touch the stone we discover that they've been bound together in one body with the ability to switch forms on the fly. Hence, we have our first major gameplay device.

All of the above is swiftly and seamlessly delivered by way of three short tutorials in which you control each character as they approach the ancient stone. From then on you're let loose on a quest to dispel the evil of the land and find a way to release your souls from the stone.

Before I go on, I need to point out that my first experience with the game was less than magical. Setting up the control system for two player co-op took a good half hour, mainly due to the insane default configuration of the gamepad controls. Admittedly, I don't have a 360 controller which I imagine most games are geared towards these days, but when a handful of essential button-presses are bound to several directions on the right thumbstick it's easy to become more than a little peeved by the trial and error approach required for controller configuration. However, compared to these initial issues, once you're actually playing it controls like a dream.

The actions are responsive, the controls intuitive and the visual feedback that you get from jumping and moving around is spot on, meaning that you rarely get caught out by tricky maneuvers. All of this is paramount for a game that is built around such kinetic use of simulated physics.


Throughout the levels - besides the evil skeletons you'll want to be killing - are spread many blocked paths and seemingly impassable areas. The beauty of the game is the way in which you work around them using the powers available to your trio. The Wizard can move objects around in the world and construct boxes and the Thief's ability to grapple and swing from anything wooden makes her indisposable for certain tasks. The Knight, well, he's just a brute. Switching between characters to suit your needs at the press of a button is an excellent system and one of Trine's main selling points.

The puzzles in the game are certainly not mind-bending conundrums. The focus here is on using teamwork and inventiveness to bypass problems in the best possible way. The lack of chin-scratching is definitely a good thing though, allowing the players to be experimental and construct solutions on the fly without losing the excellent pacing of the game.

Taking all of the above into account as well as the ability to play through the game with company means that Trine is guaranteed to make you laugh a lot, most likely through your own ineptitude or that of your partner's. At some point you'll think you've concocted the perfect solution to a puzzle only to end up flying off the screen or dropping serenely into a vat of lava. Well placed checkpoints that revive your party ensure that these sorts of events never frustrate.

On top of the standard platforming you'll also be presented with a simple leveling system that allows you to advance by collecting experience points from downed enemies or finding potions scattered about the levels. It makes for a compelling reward system and if you keep your eyes open you'll also discover many chests dotted about that contain magical trinkets or armaments to enhance any character's performance.


Depite my love for Trine, I have to admit to one minor failing of the game. I played it through with my girlfriend and it took us around nine hours to complete. The first eight and a half were fantastic. It's fair to say we were completely captivated by the style, beauty and endless dicking about that it allowed us. The last half hour of play, however, stunk. After adventuring through such varied locations and making the most of the exploration that the game encourages we were confronted by the ultimate platormer horror: A RISING LAVA LEVEL.

We were horrified. Two days of gorgeousness for this? It was as if the game had collapsed under it's own brilliance, hurling everything it had at us from above whilst perpetrating one of the worst genre-cliches in the business. It was like a physics-vomit within the depths of hell and even after the satisfaction of finally succeeding and completing the game, we were left with a bitter taste in our mouths and angry beyond belief. For those who fancy a challenge then you may find it to be a cakewalk, but for us it was a disappointing departure from everything that had come before.

That said, soon after the infuriating finale, we did the best thing we could to cleanse those unhappy feelings, and started the game again. Bliss.

With Trine, Frozenbyte have come up with their own unique selling point. Three characters, three sets of abilities and three ways to solve problems. Despite the wealth of alt-platform games we've received in the last couple of years, Trine still manages to be a breath of fresh air. It may not have the ego or ambition of the competition but, as it is, Trine remains a consistently fun and beautifully compelling game. Playing it alone is enjoyable enough, but cooperatively the possibility of inadvertant comedy and a multitude of puzzle solutions just makes it so much better.

I may have knocked the game for the woefully generic final level and the control issues I encountered, but there's no denying that this is a game to be played and enjoyed in the purest sense. No mind-bending situations to puzzle over, no grinding for points or pixel-perfect jumps. It's just great platform gaming with a few neat tricks thrown in for good measure. So, take my advice - parents play it with your kids, girlfriends play it with your boyfriends and friends play it with your other friends. If this happens then I'm pretty sure we'll all look back at some point in the future with very fond memories of Trine.

VERDICT: Compellingly versatile, Trine is a platforming gem.

EDIT: Frozenbyte have contacted me since this review was posted to say that they're planning on releasing a patch for Trine very soon that will lessen the difficulty of the final level as well as allowing the difficulty setting to be changed easily on dying. This should go some way to relieving any frustrations.

It's been released? Oh, right: Battlefield Heroes

EA seem to have pushed this one out the back door, meaning that very few are trumpeting the release of aeons-in-the-beta-testing, Battlefield Heroes.


The game comprises of these things:

- Multiplayer shooting
- Cartoon graphics
- Unlockable weapons
- Vehicular combat
- Micro-transactions

Somewhere behind the garish, 'comedy' exterior lies a stripped-down, family-friendly Battlefield game. It's World War 2 gone slapstick and whether I like it or not, I haven't yet decided. Having dipped in and out of the beta once or twice I couldn't quite get to grips with the unresponsive controls and the matchmaking service. My God, I hate matchmaking services. If there is one way in which console gaming has detrimentally affected PC gaming it's with those idiot-proof, disconnection-prone, electronic waiting rooms. Dammit, I've gone off-topic.

I'll probably download the client tonight and have a bash at it, but whether or not it's any good will dictate whether I cover it again here. If I hate it I might just draw a big picture of a cock and balls and add it below.

Less Content, More Matter: Robert Yang's Polaris

Polaris was released earlier this month as part of a series of micro-mods for Half-Life 2 based around the unusual themes of a) not shooting things and b) not running around all that much. It's the first release emerging from the project's initial volume called More Matter, which in turn falls under the collective series name, Radiator. Unlike the confusing multitude of their titles though, the mods themselves are designed to be concise, with the intention that they become thought-provoking, original works of fiction.

This first part has your unnamed female character spend the evening standing at a bench in a forest watching and learning about the starry sky with her date. I won't go into it any more detail than that because I think it's quite important to experience it for yourself, unaware of what's to come.



On his website, Robert Yang, the creator of the mods, claims that they have 'unorthodox gameplay mechanics used to artistic ends'.

Having played Polaris through several times now, I am still undecided as to where exactly the word 'artistic' from that quote fits into the game. And I'm not knocking the developer. I just feel that in this time of burgeoning independent games production, some people are a little too quick to label something differing from the norm as 'artistic'.

Of course, if a game was created with artistic intentions then that, by definition on a base level, makes it art. You can't argue that, you can only say that you don't like it. The problem - in my opinion - with many 'art' games such as this lies with the workmanship that leads to the final product. Does it subscribe to the same elements of influence as already established art-forms? When you look at a painting, the visual aspect of the thing is the only sensual input you receive from it. It's set, never changing, but it can alter your perspective, provoking thoughts or feelings that leave you dazzled by the skill of the piece.

So, with games then, when there are so many facets to their development, why aren't they infinitely more affecting more often?

The answer to that question, I feel, rests with the age of the medium. Because it's such a complex combination of assets, we're witnessing the early stages of its life. We're finding our feet with the staple genres and taking our baby steps through experimentation with looks and sounds and interactivity. Perfecting all three in one glorious software application is not an easy task.

I'll end this tangential ramble swiftly by saying that, although Polaris hasn't deeply affected me, I do believe that this kind of gaming and the thought that is at work behind the creation of such a series is entirely the right direction for the medium to be taking.


If so far I've given the impression that I didn't enjoy the game then I've gone about this article in the wrong way. I really did like it, mainly for its atmosphere and quaintly constructed puzzles. For such a short, restrictive experience there is a tremendous sense of belonging to the world helped along by the finely constructed scene, with an astronomical map spread across the bench and soft guitar music playing from an iPod, it's hard not to feel that you've walked into the early days of an uncomfortable relationship, aided by the writing that accompanies play. Whether or not it happens to be art seems to be of no consequence when you're playing Polaris and neither should it be.

The novelty of playing such a non-violent, reflective game in the Source engine is also a big part of it's appeal. However, the promise of further episodes offering differing stories from other perspectives has me rather excited. Traveling between different people's minds and experiencing a diverse selection of situations, locations and characters really has me wishing for the next instalment as this ambitious series could well become the definitive Quantum Leap of gaming.

You can grab the mod from the Radiator website and while you're there it's interesting to read up on Mr Yang's developer guidelines that form the basis of the series. Oh and you'll need to install Half-Life 2: Episode 2 to be able to run the thing.

Trine: Truly Divine?

Those who believe that platformers have no place in the PC market may want to re-evaluate their opinions now that Trine has arrived on the scene. Highly anticipated for its head-turning prettiness and unique three-way game mechanic, it could easily become the next big indie hit of 2009. Will they ever stop coming?

Finnish developer Frozenbyte have gone out of their way to create an enjoyable and diverse experience with Trine, making use of co-op play as a way to work together in solving puzzles and dispatching trad-fantasy foes.

Well, the main indie checkbox has been ticked anyway - that being the ten-foot-tall box marked PHYSICS. In their own words:

'The gameplay is based on fully interactive physics - each character's different abilities and tactics can be used to invent new ways to overcome obstacles and save the kingdom!'

Having played through the demo I can safely say that this will be no flop. The platforming is smooth and satisfying and the whole thing gels together in such a way that you could be fooled into thinking Frozenbyte have been making games for years. With their only other IP being the Shadowgrounds series it's a good indication that we may have a very talented young development team on our hands.

Anyway, I'll say no more because I'm hoping on a review copy of the game, in which case I'll post a lengthier critique. Until then you can try it or buy it via Steam, as always.

Relocated: Home of the Underdogs

So as not to turn the Dead Pixel into a Jagged Alliance masturbatorium, I figured I'd post something unrelated today.

What with all the job-losses and business liquidations spurred on by the death rattles of our mistreated economy, it's good to hear of a success story close to the hearts of those who like to game.

It's not exactly breaking news, but as one of the gems of the internet - at least from a gamer's perspective - it's great to hear that Home of the Underdogs has returned to the land of the living. No longer does it linger as a snapshot of better times, but has actually been revived and will be updated and cared for from now on just like the old mutt used to be. It will probably take a while to get back up to speed, but it's likely to reclaim its place as your one-stop-shop for retro recommendations, reviews and downloads.

Off you go then.

Jagged Alliance 2: Isometric Masterpiece - First Contact

The team touched down on Arulcan soil at 0700 hours, rappelling from the aged Blackhawk and pounding their feet into the dirt as the air from the chopper's rotor blades rushed about the dilapidated homes that stood all around. Immediately they whipped their weapons from their backs and set to work, scoping for any signs of movement, checking for shadows behind the window panes of the nearest buildings. Any flicker of life could signal imminent death.

The chopper was making a terrific racket above them, but it eventually tilted forward like they do and flew off in a direction that may have been due SSW.

Flinch raised her hand and, in one swift flick of the wrist, made some sort of signal that meant they were all to keep low and take up forward positions by the nearest wall.

Steroid grunted and muttered something derogatory about 'Little Miss GI Jane' under his breath before following through with the orders. He sternly reminded himself that he could be court-marshalled for disobeying his superior officer. Everyone knew that and it was apparently a really bad thing to happen.

All right! Andy McNab, eat your fucking heart out!

Okay, I'll cut that nonsense out now, but it is extremely thrilling to write in such a way and you can't deny that it makes for engaging prose. Admittedly, my entire military knowledge is limited to several war movies and computer games, but I can really see why Tom Clancy and co have spent their entire lives knocking out this sort of shit. Right away I feel infinitely more positive about settling any problems I may have by shooting people in the face.

Indeed, it's put me in the perfect frame of mind to continue. So I will...


In reality, the four of them were standing like lemons at the edge of the entry sector and would have continued to do so if I hadn't told them to hunch down and hug the side of the nearest building. There's no sense of self-awareness or self-preservation with these guys. It's all player-controlled so I could have left them standing there until the sun set or they passed out from exhaustion and they wouldn't have been able to shit without my ordering them to do so.

Note: Shitting is not actually an aspect of gameplay.

It's important to remember that JA2 will always inform you of any enemies inside a sector, but unless you're defending you'll never be sure of exactly how many baddies you're likely to face. It could be two plebs with rusty slingshots or you could be facing a twenty-strong deathsquad. In this case I guessed it would be closer to the former instance - bar the slingshots. The game isn't known for giving the player an easy ride, but I couldn't imagine that I'd be thrown right into the eye of the storm from the off.

THE SHOOTY BIT

First contact came unexpectedly from the same doorway that my mercs were foolishly huddled around. The guy had probably been busy making his lunch when the helicopter appeared and he was now standing stock still in the doorway surrounded by what must have been the most unnerving scene he'd ever witnessed.

Instantly, the game snapped into turn-based-war-bastard mode and I handed all responsibility to Buzz.


It took one shot to the skull at point blank range to take him down. He exhaled as he dropped to the ground. The first kill had been handed to me on a plate. If the rest of them were this easy I'd be laughing.

I instantly sent Buzz up onto the roof and crawled her to the southern edge to scout for more. After another goon was spotted making his way carefully between two other buldings I realised the battle was pretty much over before it had even begun. The enemy were seemingly caught off-guard by our sudden arrival and Buzz appeared to be the most efficient gunwoman in the world. Hence...

and

No one else had a chance to react, not even on my side. The woman took each kill on the first shot from a decent distance. I could have kissed her, but the limitations of virtual reality denied me such actions.

AFTERMATH

A small boy and his mother appeared from one of the houses.

[At this point I'll take liberty in cutting a long story short because I'm aware that this first part of the diary may now be appearing to be more of a gamefaqs walkthrough than recounts of an exciting expedition.]

The woman - Fatima - led me to the rebel base in the neighbouring sector and I chatted to the leader after proving my worth with a signed letter from Enrico outlining my business. I've neglected to mention the basic story details and my reasons for setting out to liberate this nation so, in short, Queen Deidriana is the evil woman in power. She loathes her people and has subjected them to awful conditions after denying Enrico - my employer - the throne. Therefore, she needs to die. It's a simple setup. As Ira puts it:


Oh dear. Ira. I'd forgotten all about her. Aside from that excellent opening statement, everything Ira says and does following this is always irredeemably awful. I hate her - probably more than I should - but let's have a run through her profile to see why:

NAME: Ira STRENGTHS: Shit all as far as I'm concerned. INFO: Ira is of American nationality, presumably from somewhere on the east coast due to the irritating New Yorkian whine of her voice. She came to Arulco as an aid worker and now lingers around like an elephant's fart. The woman is a five-foot-tall bullet magnet. It's incredible, her ability to suck bullets in and throw out only useless moaning in exchange. She endears herself to no-one and shoots like an old lady. A hateful person.

And she is now my guide. I recruited her for free and now she shall lead me to Drassen, my next destination and a town that I've been instructed by the rebel leader to take from the Queen. Righty-ho. I'll take care not to let my despondency rub off on the team.

Next time: I'll cover more ground in less text now that the introductions are over. It's shooting and adventuring from hereon in.

Jagged Alliance 2: Isometric Masterpiece - The Setup

MODDING

The most important thing for me to do before firing up the old girl was to give the game a quick injection of life from the community-made 1.13 patch. This is important because, unless your computer hardware hasn't received an update since the late nineties, you'll be working at a resolution much higher than the game's native 640x480 humongo-pixel res. Of course, graphics aren't everything, but it's nice to make use of an available visual upgrade and the wider perspective means much less scrolling when it comes to commanding troops on the battlefield.



Both the mod and its subsequent update are available from the game's wiki here and if you're having any problems getting it installed it's probably worth popping over to The Bear's Pit Forums - a Jagged Alliance community that is very much alive and kicking - for a bit of friendly advice.

Adjustable resolutions aren't the only improvements with this mod, but the hundreds of actual tweaks and add-ins are far too numerous to summarise here. In short, the AI has been improved, the inventory system has had an overhaul, a bazillion new weapons and items have been added and several experience-altering settings have been changed. Ah, yes. As I found out to my detriment, it's best not to play 1.13 straight out of the box as it were. several significant changes have been made that could result in you getting your arse handed to you and your game ruined very early on, no matter what difficulty setting you play on.

For info on what changes you might like to make, head to the mod folder on your hard-drive and open the .ini file for comprehensive instructions on which setting does what bad thing. For me, because I'd like to use varied tactics rather than put my back to the wall and shoot eighty grunts as they sidle through a doorway, I'm basically reverting to the vanilla style of play, but with the extra variety. Sure, I may get criticised for being ball-less, but at least I'll have fun. After all, this is a story-telling exercise, not a test of nerd-skillz.


LOGGING ON AND SETTING UP

The first thing you'll notice when starting the game proper is that Jagged Alliance 2 uses a mock-up of a laptop as your main control centre. It's an excellent narrative device that solidifies your role as the contractor tasked with organising and overseeing the entire operation. From this screen you're able to search the internet for guns or mercenaries, check your emails and keep track of your financial situation. It also provides a wealth of information on your mission and updates as you explore the game world, displaying tidbits of information about places or people and offering up several plot details that you may not pick up from simply observing cutscenes or having conversations with NPCs in the game. Most of all, it's always a giggle to work on a virtual computer within a virtual world. Even the in-game web pages take long enough to load for you to realise that JA2 was released several years before the word 'broadband' came into common usage.

And so, from this screen, I check through all my emails. There's a list of ones already opened from Enrico Chivaldori - my employer - that outline the proceedings so far, but the one I'm really interested in is the unread mail at the bottom. It's from I.M.P., the Institute for Mercenary Profiling. Using the activation code contained within I'm able to get onto their website and into what most people will recognise as a standard RPG character creator. Before patch 1.13 you were required to endure a ludicrously macho quiz that would supposedly tailor your merc's attributes to the answers you gave, but it was so woefully obtuse that it seems to have been thrown out of the window in favour of common sense by the current mod - thankfully.


From here I'm able to personalize a guy or gal to lead my soon-to-be bunch of hopefuls. Name, face, voice, stats and special skills are mine for the choosing. Anyway, here's what I came up with after a few minutes of tinkering:

NAME: Cassandra "Flinch" Morley STRENGTHS: Shooting, mainly. INFO: I'm not sure why I decided that the nickname 'Flinch' would be appropriate for a hardened killer, but I'd like to think that deep down inside it's due to an aversion that she has to loud noises such as, say, gunfire. Regardless of this possible flaw that I just made up, she certainly has enough strength and agility to lug herself across miles of rough terrain and rather fancies herself in camouflage make-up.

So there she is, my Boadicea, my woman of war. Leader of men and killer of, er... other men. At the moment I'll admit she's lacking in certain areas, but after offing a decent proportion of the military populace of Arulco I'm pretty sure she'll scrub up nicely. Anyway, she'll have the support of her team at hand, which brings me on to the next bit...

MEET THE TEAM

So this is the point at which I consider planning a well-rounded team with which to carry out my courageous liberation of the aforementioned third-world state. My method of accessing such files is the handily bookmarked A.I.M. recruitment website. Within this system is a selection of forty mercenaries that you can pick and choose, depending on ability and price and so on...

Playing the game on experienced skill allows me a starting fund of $35,000. This is about enough to bag me a five-man team of low-to-averagely skilled mercs. Usually I'd make a point of picking a medic, a sharpshooter, an explosives expert, etc., but from experience I know that the initial battles can be long and frustrating if you lack anyone who's able to hit the side of a barn from three feet. Therefore my focus here is on firepower and strength. I spent some extra cash that restricted me to only three more mercs, but I think you'll agree is was worth it:

	NAME: Bobby 'Steroid' Gontalski STRENGTHS: Er, strength. This man could break a crowbar in half with his forehead. He's a decent shooter and mechanic to boot. Also, his excellent one-liners could kill a man dead. INFO: An ex-firefighter, Steroid is used to getting hot and sweaty. He practically channels Arnie through his words, brute force and numb-headedness.
	NAME: Louisa 'Buzz' Garneau STRENGTHS: Buzz is a sharpshooter through and through and her inherent wisdom means she'll be quick to learn in the few areas that she lacks skill. INFO: Not only is Buzz brash and ballsy but she's also a militant feminist. She hates men to a point that makes me worried she won't think twice about backstabbing the two males in the group if they fall out of line. Meh. I'll take that chance.
	NAME: J.P. 'La Malice' Viau STRENGTHS: The ability to offend the entire French nation. INFO: I couldn't not pick La Malice after he's seemingly gained his entire knowledge of the French language from watching re-runs of 'Allo 'Allo!. I'm not entirely sure what his skills are, but my faith lies in the possibility that his absurd racial stereotyping may win the hearts and minds of any foe he encounters. Seriously, he pronounces the word 'oui', 'ooo-aye' . Sold.

NEXT TIME

So, the squad is picked, the scene is set and the game has just begun. Soon enough I'll see how these mercs fare on the battlefield...