14 Aug 2008

QUICK CAP REVIEW - Gears of War

I love my space bar. Ol' Spacey has been with me through some good times. He gave me joy when I first discovered the art of bunny-hopping in Quake 3. He made me giggle that one time when I paused iTunes so I could have a shit. He helped me through my first English essay by ensuring thatIdidn'twritelikethis. But no, trusty space bar! All this time I thought you were a tool of utter brilliance and yet you fall to pieces whilst playing a brainless game like Gears of War.

Playing this game is like trading Ol' Spacey in for a clumsier, stupider model. He is drunk with responsibility. He is an unresponsive, lumbering wretch. He has the power to make me roll around, duck for cover, run and clamber over small walls, but it's all too much. He gets confused and pulls me close to walls that I want to run straight past. Instead of diving daringly from one bit of cover and behind the next, he wants me to leap over the very bit of fallen masonry that was helping to keep my brain bits in place. He is poor confused Spacey and I hate him. He makes a mediocre shooter frustrating and this is as tedious a shooter as I have ever bashed my head against a keyboard trying to play. Yes, I could remap the controls but why alienate myself from any more of my beloved keys?

Clumsy, repetitive and badly ported, it's spark of genius is forever hidden beneath a palette of dark-brown, grey and dark grey-brown textures...

... and in case you're wondering, for the purpose of writing this review I traded Ol' Spacey in for a newer, sexier model. One that is far less partial to anthropomorphic observation.

SCORE: 71%

4 comments:

Chris said...

Hmm, I have to disagree that this is badly ported, compared to some awful games.

Do you think in general it is a bad game? as far as action ott games go, it can't be that bad, and the co op for the entire single player is a pretty amazing feat. Personally I really like the idea of story driven co op stuff, and other suggestions?

Rowan Davies said...

It isn't a bad game and it earned an reasonable mark for the experience it provided me with.

I'll have to partly concede on the point about co-op gaming. I know it's incredibly difficult to set a game up for that sort of play, but I also feel that games shouldn't be marked on parts that some players can't involve themselves in, unless of course it was marketed as a solely multi-player game. In truth, I have no friends on Windows Live...

It's a valid point that I should probably specify in future what elements of the game I'm reviewing.

As for other sources co-op gaming, I'll give it some cover in the next few weeks. In the future though, Left 4 Dead (http://www.l4d.com)is likely to be a winner.

Personally, I thought it was badly ported because the controls could have been optimised for PC gaming, clubbed together with the unforgivable problems at launch that denied me and many others access to the game for over a month after purchase. But you're right, far greater troubles abound in the world of PC gaming.

Nick Dymond said...

Sorry to interject, but:

Left 4 Dead (http://www.l4d.com)

Did I not talk to you about my ideas for a game based around a multi-player 1st person zombie co-op fest?!?

I can't BELIEVE it! First The Happening (film) short-story and now this!

(I've not played Gears of War so I can't comment on the actual post - sorry).

rohin91 said...

"He gave me joy when I first discovered the art of bunny-hopping in Quake 3. He made me giggle that one time when I paused iTunes so I could have a shit. He helped me through my first English essay by ensuring thatIdidn'twritelikethis"

Awesome line ... just awesome. You should copyright that one :)