25 Feb 2009

Total Bore (Ha!) - NecroVision Demo

Whilst I wait for my thoughts on the Empire: Total War demo to digest, I thought I'd show you a prime example of how not to make a first-person shooter, or you could say how not to make a scripted scene, or even a demo, or a game in fact. All of these things apply when relating to the recently released NecroVisioN demo.

It's a given that certain games can feel a bit generic - a bit rushed - as if developers are waiting for a particular gaming craze to surface so that they can push their game into the midst of it in the hope of watching it sail along with the crowd. The Farm 51, creators of NecroVisioN, certainly haven't struggled to deliver what we as consumers see as run-of-the-mill gaming. Innovation is certainly a no-no when you're looking to flog the latest brainless shooter. The only thing pushing the boundaries here is the shift from a WWII setting to that of The Great War. Everything else is present. Zombies, Germans, melee action, dodgy cockney accents... Hell, yes.

It also looks like Painkiller's turn-of-the-century love-child.

Of course, I'm always of the mind that no matter how traditional a game's setting or mechanics may be, as long as they are implemented well I will be contented. The problem is, with NecroVisioN, everything you do is a slower version of something else. Stabbing enemies with a bayonet is akin to poking a wet flannel with your finger. Even moving around is like pushing your way through a marshmallow-filled void. That last bit makes no sense, but just try it for yourself. Or don't.

Regardless of all the above, the demo features a three-minute cutscene which has you staring at a dying mockney ally as he delivers a morbidly dull exposition. It takes so long that you begin focusing on everything you hate about games and realising that NecroVision ticks a lot of things in that list. The animation is awful, the voice-acting makes me dizzy and, by fuck, I just want to shoot things now.

So I took the liberty to record the whole thing. As you'll see, by the end of the clip, I couldn't have risked the boring bastard not ending his own life so I did it myself. Anyone who watches it that far though may want to investigate how it is that their lives became so empty, just like I have.


Nick said...

"Tastes like...chicken"

I desperately want to re-dub some of that cutscene with Merrry Poppinsah quotes.

(extra points if you can tell me where that opening quote is from. I'll give you a hint: it's not Mary Poppins or Oliver Twist).

Anonymous said...

Stroike a loight, guv'naa... there's mornsterrs out there so there is.

We're in terrible Barney Rubble, thank gawd you Septics showed up and saved our Khyber Pass again.

Knees up Mother Braaawn, knees up Maather Braaaawn...

Anonymous said...

Necrovision rocks for what it is and offers but ofcourse you're too moron to see this. Go play Sims 2 with your girlfriend.