18 Oct 2011

Computer games make children ‘mental’ warns elderly person with qualifications

Children who play computer games are far more likely to grow up ‘bonkers’ than those who enjoy less modern forms of entertainment, a woman almost twice the age of the ZX Spectrum has warned. Dr Cynthia Langley is the author of a new report which provides further evidence in support of her theory that computer games are to be feared by pretty much everyone, not just the over 50s.

Utilising her education to have a look at things and make decisions, Dr Langley has concluded that the imaginations of young people are easily corrupted by interactive video images - images that their parents are often unable to prevent them from seeing without having to get up and turn the television off.

One subject observed by her research team, Yvonne Presley, described a time when her parental instinct was unable to respond to a frightening encounter with the imagination of her 10 year old son.

"He was playing something or other on the TV with all them lights and colours when he suddenly said, 'F***, I’m dead!'. When I asked him where he had learned the 'F' word, he pointed at me and said, 'You', which is worrying because I’m pretty sure I’ve never been in a computer game before.

“And, after all that fuss, I discovered that he wasn’t actually dead."

Langley also thinks this sort of occurrence to be conclusive proof that children above and below the age of 10 are finding it increasingly difficult to resist simulated genocide.

"Our studies have shown that if you lock a small child in a cargo container with only an XBox 360 console machine, a copy of Saints Row and a packet of crisps, they'll inevitably pick up the game controller and embark on a sickening odyssey of violence in order to entertain themselves - sometimes before they’ve even had a go at the crisps.”

These results seem to support a recent discovery that crisps are a bit salty, but do in turn suggest that video games make you both fat and stupid.

"Apparently one of these so called 'games' offers children candy for murdering mad hobos, but steals their cake if they don't surrender their bodies to a local crime kingpin,” says Dr Langley.

“I don’t know where I heard that, but it's true”.

In response to these findings, one person who has played a video game said: “I never thought about it before, but if sunshine can melt a kid's ice lolly then what’s to keep computer games from melting their brain?

"Or their face?”

More stupidity, here.

And some sense, here.

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