First Look: GTA V

Saturdays are for sitting at home after a slow and sorry week at work and wondering what to play next. Whilst I'm at it, you should check out the new trailer for this game by Rockstar which flopped its terrifying e-penis onto the internet this week:


How often does one and a half minutes of very little convert into a billion words of over-analysis and absolute presumption worldwide? Every three or four years when this happens, of course. It clouds minds. It renders common sense redundant.

Well, step by step, I'll offer my own thoughts on what we can expect from the game after watching this trailer for the very first time. Straight from my mind and onto the screen. When you're done reading, watch it again and admit that I AM RIGHT ON EACH AND EVERY POINT. AND IT IS EXCITING:

0:07 Man and lady walking dog! This is new. This is BIG. Do they kiss? Do they cuddle? Is Rockstar's next goal to portray true loving relationships in place of seedy fucks and lady lust? Maybe.

0:10 Ladies looking at men's bottoms! Perhaps the game will cast you as a woman who... no, that's ridiculous.

0:15 Palm trees! You play a tree who lives with other trees and grants wishes to the ghosts of dead truck drivers who wander the streets below.

0:17 Golf! You play a golfer who hates homosexuals and air travel. Kills things with razor blades.

0:19 Jet skis! I've pre-ordered at this point. By which I mean I've written 'buy GTA V' in big letters on my forehead because it's not yet possible to state my claim on Amazon or will myself into the future. How do they top jet skis?! Clearly you'll be playing as a porn star with a violent past and a penchant for travelling places and doing things. My excitement levels have hit the roof!

0:20 Hiking. Hiking? Hiking! You play a malcontent with a violent past and a fetish for bivouacking and jazz mags.

0:25 Fast cars! You play a car thief with a violent past and a fetish for porn stars' hairpieces. You live in a subterranean crack den with a cat named Doug.

0:30 Wind farm! You play an eco warrior with a violent past who lives up in the hills smoking twigs and leaves with his wife and three small children who ONLY EXIST INSIDE HIS HEAD.

0:45 Crop-dusting marijuana! You play a drug lord with a violent past, who likes porn and cars and Harry Potter fan fic. Also, is a vampire.

1:00 Homeless man! You play an angry bum with a violent past, who likes patio furniture, video arcades and eating beetles. Massive racist.

1:05 Police chase! You play a police officer with rickets and a learning disorder. Cop buddies always laugh at him when he fails to spell 'pomegranate' correctly. Also, has violent past.

1:10 Hollywood sign, but not Hollywood sign! You play as a failed porn star turned actor. Crack habit, six fingers on each hand and hilarious stutter. Says things like, 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-but... I don't wanna.' Always wears burgundy clothing and cries at CSI reruns.

Wow. Well, I don't know about you but I'm tuckered out after that. I'll have another look at it tomorrow and expand on each of the points noted above. What we mustn't assume is that Rockstar will simply release a GTA sequel that is a bit different, but largely the same as its predecessor.